Parenting with your Whole Self

This blog was originally published on Ensemble Therapy on January 19th, 2022.

Each one of us is unique. We are not one-dimensional beings; rather, we are multifaceted. We each have different tendencies, likes, interests, dreams, and strengths. From our personalities and talents to our physical appearance and biological makeup, no one of us is exactly alike to another person. Looking at our children, we know this to be incredibly true. No child is the same as another, especially when it comes to what makes them feel whole and alive. This is as true for children as it is for adults as we constantly journey towards a sense of health, wholeness, and purpose. 

Hearing all this may sound like a cliché you could find cross-stitched on a pillow, but there is science behind this as well. Researchers in the fields of health science, human development, and psychology break up the factors of our well-being into three main categories: biological, psychological, and social, also known as biopsychosocial. 

Our biological well-being involves our physical health, including factors like our nutrition, exercise, sleep, immune system, etc. Our psychological well-being is our sense of emotional and mental wellness, which can include our trauma histories, culture, spirituality, emotional states, ethnic and/or racial identity, and personality factors. And finally, our social well-being is our sense of meaningful relationships and consistent connection to our community, whether friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, or recreational organizations. 

Each of these categories is separate from the other while also intersecting with each other. Our well-being is lacking if one or more of these categories is neglected, and when we flourish in one of these areas, it can positively influence the other areas. For example, emotional stress can cause physical unrest through lack of sleep and headaches. It can also impact our capacity to communicate and express empathy, thus taking a toll on our social well-being as well. On the other hand, tending to our emotional well-being, even in the face of significant stressors, can improve our sense of physical wellness and ability to connect with others. 

In this way, it is important to tend to each of these areas of well-being in meaningful and realistic ways in order to prevent a fragmented sense of self and instead move towards a sense of integration. 

If science points to the importance of tending to each of these categories of well-being, why is it that society tends to zoom in on one category while ignoring the others? Simply turning on the TV to a commercial can communicate that we can only be happy if we are of a certain body shape or if we have clear skin and perfect hair. Or we may believe that being popular and well-liked will solve all of our problems, even if we are physically and emotionally exhausted. We may also prioritize our “self-care” so much that we isolate and disconnect from others to the point where our relationships suffer. 

Knowing that these components make up our sense of identity and well-being, it makes sense that our approach to wellness should focus on each of these areas in our lives and their relationship with each other. Doing so can foster a sense of holism or a balanced integration of the different parts of our well-being. 

This journey to thriving in each area of our lives begins from the time we are young. Children best learn to value their physical, emotional, and social well-being from observing the practices of adults in their lives. Not only can they learn through the modeling of adults, but they can also learn through kid-friendly practices that promote well-being. Below are a few ways you can consistently and realistically tend to each area of well-being in your life and the life of your child:

Bio: Physical Well-being

MOVEMENT 

Whether you run every day, practice yoga a few times a week, or walk around your block in the evening, movement matters tremendously to your sense of well-being. Explore movement that feels good to your body and that you can consistently implement into your routine. For your child, movement comes naturally with the process of play. Encourage your child to play, and also, play with your child in a way that activates movement and their imaginations.

FOOD

Diet culture, or the pervasive messages that tell us skinny is healthy and restrictive eating is healthy eating, often goes against our bodies’ intuitive drives to eat things that are tasty, nutritious, and comforting. Having a consistent routine around food that you enjoy but also meets you and your child’s nutrition needs can greatly impact you and your family’s physical sense of well being.

Pay attention to the foods you enjoy and how they make your body feel. What foods give you energy? What foods are calming and comforting? What foods taste fresh and nutritious? Notice how your body responds to certain foods and incorporate what makes sense to your body in your diet.

SLEEP

Although it may sound like common sense that sleep is an important part of well-being, many of us often sacrifice sleep for productivity. It is easy to get caught in the daily to-do lists and push our bodies past the point of exhaustion; however, doing so comes at the cost of our physical and often emotional well-being. 

Most adults need 7-8 hours of sleep a night. For children and teens, that number increases to 8-12 hours. Evaluating whether you and your child are getting the sleep you need and making changes to ensure that you get adequate sleep can make a world of difference in your overall well-being (see Natalie’s blog on bedtime routines for littles if your child struggles with a bedtime).

MINDFUL BREATHING

Although our bodies breathe unconsciously on their own, pausing to intentionally breathe deeply can positively impact your psychological and your physical well-being, especially when faced with stressors. When we become escalated or overwhelmed, the thinking part of our brain shuts off and we begin focusing on the part of our brain that is more primitive and reacts to stressors with a fight, flight, or freeze response.

Reminding yourself to stop and breathe deeply not only helps you feel in control of your body, but it also sends oxygen to the part of your brain responsible for critical thinking and restores a sense of safety. When we practice deep breathing daily in moments of calm and normalcy, it becomes easier to access this skill as a coping mechanism in the face of stressors (for resources on deep breathing for littles, see our Cool as a Cucumber Cool Down Kit).

Psycho: Emotional Well-Being

PRACTICE MEANINGFUL SELF-CARE AND COPING

There is no shortage of messages telling you how to practice self-care. The problem with much of the language around self-care is that it is often encouraged in isolation and assumes the privilege of time and means for leisure. While there is nothing wrong with a good bubble bath, spa-day, or weekend getaway, the reality is that many of us do not have the time or resources for this kind of self-care. Additionally, the way you care for yourself and cope with your stressors will likely look different from your neighbor’s practice of self-care. Pay attention to what activities and practices help you feel connected to yourself and others. This may look like reading a book or making dinner with friends. It could also look like pausing to notice the sky or calling a loved one for a good laugh. 

As you notice what practices are meaningful to you, also notice what helps your child thrive and come alive. It may be playing games with friends, creating a crazy painting, or riding their bike in the park. Pay attention to what brings your child joy and create time for them to reconnect with themselves and others through meaningful and developmentally appropriate practices.

PLAY!

Charles Schaefer, a seminal author and researcher in the field of play therapy, writes, “We are never more fully alive, more completely ourselves or more deeply engrossed in anything than when we are playing.” Research in the field of play therapy points to the myriad benefits of play for children. Play actively engages children’s senses, allows them a respite from reality, provides a space for them to process their experiences, and helps children exercise autonomy (see Jaclyn’s blog for more on play therapy). 

As adults, it may be tempting to look at play as a luxury rather than a need. However, from the time we are young, we rely on play as a medium through which we learn about our world and process our experiences. Diminishing the value of play overlooks our need to let down our guard and attune to ourselves and others in the present moment. As mentioned before, notice what practices bring you and your child joy and find time to play and explore your world together.

Social: Relational Well-being 

SPEND TIME WITH LOVED ONES 

We are inherently social beings and need connection to thrive. Although this may be difficult during the ongoing pandemic, connection is still immensely important to our social well-being. Find ways to meaningfully spend time with friends, family, and neighbors, whether socially distanced on a driveway or at a park for a play-date. Safely seeing and connecting with people you care about can maintain your social well-being and provide much needed relational meaning to you and your child’s life. 

PRACTICE AUTHENTIC COMMUNICATION 

It is one thing to have lots of friends and spend time with people, but it is another thing entirely to intentionally cultivate relationships in which you can communicate vulnerably and authentically. Once you identify safe people with whom you can be your truest self, practice communicating openly and authentically. Doing so will relieve the stress of putting on a performance for other people and hiding our true selves. As we practice authentic communication, our children will see and learn how to communicate authentically as well. 

The ideas mentioned here barely scratch the surface of all the ways you can tend to your physical, emotional, and relational well-being. What is ultimately important to remember in light of all this information is that you and your child are the experts on meaningfully caring for yourselves. You know what practices are realistic and bring you a sense of thriving. As you and your child learn more about yourselves, you can become more aware of and readily practice meaningful ways of tending to the different parts of your well-being.