Responding to your Inner Critic as a Parent

This blog was originally published on Ensemble Therapy on May 25th, 2020.

As a parent, there is no shortage of reminders that you could be doing it better. All it takes is opening Facebook and Instagram to see another video of how to feed your child, how to talk to your child, or how to discipline your child. In the age of information overload, many of us feel overwhelmed by the increasing volume of voices from every direction telling us how we can better raise our kids. 

While some of these voices are well intentioned, many of us may internalize these voices and reduce them to one invasive, deep-rooted belief: I am not a good enough parent and never will be. 

There are days when you probably feel like you are the only parent who beats herself up like this. You may look at the Insta-influencer mom and think, “She’s got it together! She feeds her kids organic food, buys them eco-friendly toys, and takes them to baby yoga while I’m one more broken dish away from pulling all my hair out.” 

Our negative, critical self-talk is easily fueled by comparison, and there is an abundance of “perfect parents” to whom we consistently compare ourselves. 

Despite the tendency to believe we are the only parents who struggle with our inner critics the way we do, this distinct difficulty faced by parents has been well-researched by psychologists, counselors, and social workers alike. It is a normal and almost universal response to parenting across families of all backgrounds. In one study, psychologists in Portugal looked at the relationship between this negative self-talk, which they coined self-critical rumination, and levels of parenting stress in 265 mothers. They found that the more the mothers engaged in self-critical rumination, the higher their levels of perceived parenting stress. They also found that when the mothers practiced mindfulness through intentional compassion towards themselves and their children, their levels of reported self-critical rumination and subsequent parenting stress decreased significantly. 

Shame, the felt sense that something is inherently wrong with us, is fueled by this self-critical rumination. When we can mindfully and compassionately address this shame that filters our view of ourselves and our world, we begin to love ourselves and our loved ones more authentically and wholeheartedly. 

Brene Brown, a social worker and expert researcher in the effects of shame, says this in her book Dare to Lead, “Shame resilience is the ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection than we had going into it… When the heart is open and free and we’re connected to our emotions and understand what they’re telling us, new worlds open up for us, including better decision making and critical thinking, and the powerful experiences of empathy, self-compassion and resilience.”

Taking time to connect to ourselves and graciously speak compassion to our desires and needs as individuals is so important to this work of dismantling self-critical rumination and its sister shame. When we pause to sink our teeth into the savory truth we are unique, gifted parents who have the very best intentions in mind for our families, it grounds us in our core values and fosters a posture of kindness towards ourselves and our families. 

This may all sound great on paper, but what does it look like to practically make time to cultivate mindfulness practices in your daily life? The good news is that you are ultimately the expert on what grounds you and connects you to yourself and your surroundings. No parenting blog (including this one!) can dictate how you should best care for yourself. Only you know how to care for yourself in the ways that are most deeply meaningful to you. 

Cultivating mindfulness may look like prayer, taking a quick walk, or savoring a hot cup of tea. It may also look like talking to someone who knows and loves you fully, just the way you are. Or it could look like kicking your feet up and letting your body sink into the couch while you watch a favorite show with a snack nearby. However you care for yourself, you know what well-being looks like for you, and you are the very best expert on how to care for yourself in ways that make you more present to those around you. 

When you do take time to care for yourself, even if it’s just for five minutes, try and remind yourself of your intention. Although you may feel like a bad parent, you love your children more than anyone else in this world. You want them to do well and to grow up to be good, kind humans. And everything you are doing right now is directed towards their flourishing. 

You can feel angry or disappointed at your kid, but those very valid emotions do not mitigate your love for them—or your worth as a parent. Allow yourself the space to reflect on what you feel rather than ruminate, and let the same unconditional love you feel for your child be extended towards yourself. 

April Karli, Pastor of Austin Mustard Seed, former Children’s Pastor, and mother to two teenage girls, says this about addressing her inner critic, “I remind myself that all parents make mistakes and are imperfect. I believe that it's good for my kids to see me make a mistake and for me to be given the opportunity to name that and ask their forgiveness. My kids respond very well to that which has helped create a more trusting relationship between us.”

We all have bad days, we all mess up, and it’s normal for those bad days to get to us. But gradually shifting the way we talk to ourselves can do wonders for our relationship to ourselves and those we love. 

When we respond to our mistakes and fears with authenticity and compassion rather than harsh criticism, we not only expand our inner capacity for resilience, we model positive, gracious self-talk for our children as well. And this is ultimately the best gift we can give to ourselves and our children: unconditional love and affirmation of worth.

References/Additional Resources: 

Brown, B. (2019). Dare to lead: Brave work, tough conversations, whole hearts. Random House, NY: Random House Large Print Publishing.

Moreira, H., & Canavarro, M. C. (2018). The association between self-critical rumination and parenting stress: The mediating role of mindful parenting. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 27(7), 2265–2275.